A missed oppurtunity

I think that every little girl dreams of growing up and meeting the man of her dreams and becoming a beautiful bride, wearing a beautiful wedding gown, and walking down the isle. Even if i was born a boy I was a girl at heart and had the same dreams. The same grandmother who had let me play dress up whenever i wanted caught me looking at a catalog that she subscribed to that had a lot of toys and other things for kids. At the time I was looking at a little girls fancy dress costume much like the one in the picture. She asked me would I like her to buy it for me? I look back and i know i should have jumped on the chance. But i was too scared to admit to anyone that I really wanted to be a girl. I would have loved to have that wedding dress costume more than anything else in the catalog. And who knows it might have lead to more clothes of my own. But i said no. I couldn't yet come to grips with who I was inside. I could have pretended to be a beautiful bride with my own wedding dress. Maybe she would have even got me matching shoes after all a girl needs the right shoe to go with her dress. And I don't know it could have continued from there.

I think part of me was still scared my grandfather would find out. As much as I loved that man he clearly did not approve of his granddaughter. And i had great respect and love for him. He was a big influence on my life and to disappoint him was something I couldn't do.

I look back on my grandmother who passed away several years ago now and realize she probably knew there was more than just a phase going on. She had been a social worker and I think was more worldly than I often gave her credit for. I think if i'd opened up to her she would have supported me much the way I think my mother (her daughter) would have as well if given the chance.